Sometimes I am really thankful to be me.

There are days when I'd rather be anyone but me, not because I don't want my life or anything, just because some days are just so hard emotionally..and for a sensitive girl like me, it can be overwhelming sometimes...but that's not what this is about..today I'm glad to be me.

I've had my fair share of challenges in my 36 years of life..not as many as some, more than others..but I'd say a fair amount..and one thing I have learned is that if you make a decision for change in your life, it is possible..even to change the really really hard stuff.

I'll give you an example. Starting in childhood, I've had problems with anxiety..somewhere around 22, maybe 23, I was having full blown panic attacks...landing me in therapy and chowing down antidepressants..I don't have anything against either of these things, believe me, they helped me immensely, but what really changed my life was an episode of Dr. Phil. Yesssss, I said an episode of Dr.Phil!

He said one sentence that changed me forever. "If you are scared of something, you have to walk through it to get to the other side."

That was my lightbulb...I needed to hear that there was a place on the other side of the fear, if I could just get through it. So I got in the car, with my driving phobia and all, and began my journey of allowing myself to feel horribly uncomfortable, forcing myself to move from the slow lane to the next and to the next, even into the fast lane...I had many panic attacks but just breathed to myself just get through to the other side..it will pass..just hold on til you get to the other side.

Slowly but surely, I had less and less attacks..I challenged myself to do more and more. It wasn't easy..it took hard emotional work..it still does sometimes. But I learned one of my biggest lessons during that time ...

There is LIFE on the other side.

Time to get back on the horse.



Ok so that was my one and only WW meeting..I did really well for a couple of weeks, until that fateful day when me and a 6 layer Mexican dip collided..and it was demolished...by me.



Ever since that day it's as though I can't get enough to eat..I am about to step back onto the scale to see how much damage I've done..I need to get back on track..I need to remember the feeling of health when I'm eating right..it just feels SO good to eat something delicious...and the Girl Scout cookies certainly haven't helped.



So I'm back, head hanging...I lost my MoJo.



The Hubby and I have gone 180...completely ass backwards...he may not be ready to admit it, but I am..I fell off track...way way way off track.

How am I SO easily sidetracked?? Why, when it feels so amazing to eat light, do I get completely blinded by food?..maybe literally as I'm stuffing it into my mouth??

I've been AWOL for quite awhile..maybe just embarrassed that I don't have some fabulous news about "the new me".

Sorry, it's just the same ole me.

My pants feel a little tight..i can feel my backfat on the carseat when I'm driving..this is a tell tale sign, my own personal sign..that i'm getting larger.

I feel like I am freefalling right now..I am looking for something to grab onto so I don't fall too deep, I fall and fall, with my eyes clamped shut. Maybe if I opened them, I could see what I'm looking for.

The sound of my defeat is pretty deafening. I had such great intentions. But I love to eat.

That's all I can muster for now. I wanted you all to know I am still here just in case you were interested. As you may already know, the family takes up most of my time and I haven't had much time lately to really even think about jottin out a blog. Gosh, I realize right now how much I miss this.

Ok so I did step onto the scale and it wasn't so bad..

216.8..wow at least I didn't gain too much..i sure feel puffy though..maybe a little water instead of wine would do the trick? Naaah, not instead of, just along with..how bout that? After all, I do love my wine..

I've taken the first step...

I DID IT. :)



Last night I went to a Weight Watchers meeting for the first time since I got prego with the kiddo who my hubby lovingly calls Short Stack.



I dropped off my kids with their Granna, Pa and G.G...they hardly gave me a glance as I walked out the front door and into a new beginning. Pulling out of their driveway, I felt freedom envelope me in a way that is only known to those whose lives are rarely about them, but rather about the constant demands of parenthood. Speeding away in my car feeling slightly giggly and naughty, I made my way to my first weigh in.



The meetings are held in a historial building in our little town. I walked into the warm, musty room and felt right at home...I filled out my paperwork and stepped up to the line..or actually, I stepped up the the scale.



212.6



Ok, that's my beginning weight here. Putting it out here in blogosphere will hopefully motivate me even more..

As I took my girls home that night, my Tall Stack had lots of urgent questions.

Mommy, how does Weight Watchers work?

Why do you want to lose weight?

Can I make up your exercise list? (a mini me, she LOVES lists)...


So I explain as best I can to her..

Baby, Weight Watchers helps me know how much food to eat everyday and what kinds of foods are healthiest..

I want to lose weight because I want to be the healthiest Mom I can be so I can take good care of you and your baby sister..I'm not doing this to be "skinny". I am doing this to be "healthy."

Yes, of course, I'd love an exercise list..

Satisfied with my answers, she did indeed make me an exercise calendar, sweetly giving me the weekends off but of course she says I still have to EAT HEALTHY..of course, I tell her.

It was amazing to get out there by myself, to do something for myself. It's been awhile.

I feel empowered. I feel stronger with the support of my fellow overweighters...

Off I go. Wish me luck. I'll check in after I weigh in on Monday..

Let's Be Honest

I'm not doing very well on my "weight loss program".

Even though my hubbs has publicly announced our competition, still I am lacking motivation.

I even started out with a bang, lost 4 pounds already..and still not enough motivation for me to keep going.

What is wrong with me? Food is just SOOO delicious!!

Could my problem be the amount of times I have attempted and failed to stay the course, starting off determined, only to veer off the road to stop for some pancakes..or a whole loaf of fresh french bread?



I decided to go to Weight Watchers on Monday..I set up a plan for the kiddos to hang with my Mom so I could go weigh in and sign up for the program. I'm a huge fan of WW. Sitting in a room with people struggling with their weight just like me is a huge comfort. See, I am "the big one" in the family. I haven't always been though. I used to be in very good shape and somewhere around between my 25th and 26th birthdays, I gained 50 pounds.

Even when I'm "skinny", I'm not a small person by any means. At 5'6" I'm about as tall as the average American woman. But skinny to me is somewhere around 155 pounds, what I weighed in high school. When I look back at pictures I just can't believe how obsessed I was all the time, thinking I was FAT!! When I met my hubby, I was pretty comfy around 170...but that's when the 50 pounds started to creep onto my already non waify frame.

With both of my kids, I tipped the scale around 256 the days I gave birth to them and I am proud to say that just about a year after the baby was born, here I sit weighing 210. Those 46 pounds were not easy to take off..OK except the first 20 or so since we are being honest.. she was 8 pounds and of course I was in so much pain after a horrible C Section and a spinal headache that eating was not on my list of things to do during my hospital stay..I left 4 days after her birthday weighing 17 pounds lighter.

At any rate..I had my plan on Monday to weigh in at the big WW.

Well that didn't work out.

Instead, I went to the roller skating rink with my kids and some family, treating myself to a large pretzel with cheese please, and then there was the Mc Donald's for dinner. Oy vey!!!

So today is Wednesday. I still want to go to WW. There's a meeting tonite and Daddy can stay home with the kids. For those of you (all of you, I think) who read hubbys blog..

I really really really want that ring.

Do dogs really need to wear T shirts? Ok I will admit that as a former chihuahua owner, I did subject our puppy to wearing a sweater. It was cold, but...was it necessary??

As we drove through our neighborhood after picking up 3 little ladies from school, I noticed a little dog with it's owner..wearing what I would consider a fall day sort of shirt. Not too heavy, not a tank top either. I live in a very easy going climate. Most would consider it warm year round. I turned to my hubby and said "Is that really necessary? Dogs have fur for a reason!"

We giggled.

My point is this..I turned to him and said.."This is my next blog topic."
He replied, grinning.."AAhahhh..I was waiting for you to start saying that!!Yess, that's what I've been waiting for!!"

I want to welcome my new followers and thank you for your support.

This is a shorty post. Hubby is cooking us dinner ( I know, lucky girl!), and multiplication tables have to be studied.

I love all of your comments..some brought tears to my eyes. Having each other's support means everything, doesn't it? I think so.

I am looking forward to reading all of your blogs as well..forgive me if I haven't visited yet. As most of you know firsthand..I don't have lots of "free time"..I forget what that even feels like..but somehow I think the day I have too much of that coveted "free time", I'm gonna miss these days gone by. XOXO

I watched a commercial. Ok, it wasn't just one commercial. I watched all the commercials today while catching up on a couple of Tivo'd shows. I MISS COMMERCIALS.



Remember when you actually had to be in front of the TV at a certain time in order to watch your beloved shows? People actually would gather in their living rooms with a bowl of popcorn and watch things like Little House on the Prarie..TOGETHER. Since DVR it's just a distant memory. OK, Little House on the Prarie was already a distant memory before Tivo. Don't get me wrong. Without Tivo I'd miss it all. I go to bed way too early to catch any of my shows.I'd yell at my kids a whole lot more without the ability to pause live TV. It really is a Mom's BFF.

But I really miss the days of gathering around to watch a show together, knowing the whole USA was sitting around the tube watching too. The commercials were the time you ran to the potty and were praying you'd make it back in time not to miss anything, God forbid the phone would ring during the show! oooh, do I miss those days..Now we all cram in watching our shows in between texing each other and checking our Facebook accounts,not to mention raising semi well adjusted children.

I miss being together. I miss the whole world gathering for little things like TV. It felt like you weren't so alone in the world. To me, it's just one more way people aren't connected as much anymore. Maybe it's just that I've been in the baby underground, but I don't think so. Along with losing this weight once and for all I have another goal for this year..to connect with people. I'm getting advice from my 94 year old Mamaw on this subject. She tells me what my generation doesn't know.

How to be social.

That brings me to my next thought..I keep tossing around the idea of hosting pot luck get togethers once a month or so with some friends, neighbors, family..but think it will derail me from my "diet". Is this just a reason to flake? Am I alone in being afraid to reach out to other people outside of my circle?

I lost 2 pounds. It feels glorious. This is always the weight at which I give up the eating right and remain stuck. It's my own doing, I know. If I could just persevere..if the Easy Mac I'm feeding my baby would quit calling my name..I think I can , I think I can, I think I can..

Maybe going back to basics is the way to begin.

Have you ever been reading a Parent's magazine and wonder who these moms are who seem to have their whole lives organized as well as the lives of their kids? They make cute crafts with their kids, color code their lunches (blue juice, blue fruit, blue chicken nuggets,blue napkin..oh wait, I forgot, it's Organic blue juice, organic blue fruit..),have their kids in dance, soccer,art class, gymnastics,karate,softball, baseball, basketball, oh and then there's school. They organize neighborhood BBQs and carpool, never get annoyed with their kids and are always ready to engage in an "activity" with them. No offense to these moms but I'm just saying..If that works for you, that's great, and frankly, I envy your enthusiasm and energy.

But that's not me.
At all.
Not even close.

I'm the mom who strives to be organized and think I can be if I just make ONE MORE LIST. That perfect list that will clear as day remind me how to live a structured, even life. My kids will be on a nice, safe schedule that they can count on, I will have all the perfect meals planned,nutritious food on hand in the pantry..wholesome snacks and ingredients to simple yet flavorful meals...something keeps me from getting to an organized place.

Me.

Even though to an outsider I may look cool, calm and collected, on the inside I am on the verge of panic...not a schedule in sight.

The lists I endlessly create end up stashed up under the keyboard on the desk, on the floor of the backseat of my car or shoved crumpled in a drawer, never to be seen again until the day I decide to clean out that drawer, let alone actually used. Maybe the lists aren't for remembering things at all, but rather serve as a means to calm the chaos in my head.

It's a new year. 2010. I've been married almost 10 years. My dear husband and I are on this goal to get back somewhere near what we weighed when we first met. For me, that means I need to lose about 35-40 pounds..for him, I guess he needs to lose around 30..maaaybe 35.

I have to do this. I need to do this. I want to do this. I'm staring middle age in the face and it ain't lookin so hot. I'm not so fresh faced anymore. People tell me I look tired and I don't take it very well..even though actually I am really tired alot of the time. I have 2 daughters, 8 years old and 11 months and work a part time job that gets me up before..well, before pretty much everyone.

I'm on a mission. I need to find myself again in this puffed up version of my old self. Where did I go? I know there's more to me. I love being their Mom. It's my favorite part of life. I tell my eldest child all the time that "I am a person. I used to be 8 just like you. I had a Mom and a Dad and a sister too. I was in 3rd grade once. I am a person." She stares at me for a second but then rolls her eyes and says "I know Mom".

But do I?