Have you ever been reading a Parent's magazine and wonder who these moms are who seem to have their whole lives organized as well as the lives of their kids? They make cute crafts with their kids, color code their lunches (blue juice, blue fruit, blue chicken nuggets,blue napkin..oh wait, I forgot, it's Organic blue juice, organic blue fruit..),have their kids in dance, soccer,art class, gymnastics,karate,softball, baseball, basketball, oh and then there's school. They organize neighborhood BBQs and carpool, never get annoyed with their kids and are always ready to engage in an "activity" with them. No offense to these moms but I'm just saying..If that works for you, that's great, and frankly, I envy your enthusiasm and energy.

But that's not me.
At all.
Not even close.

I'm the mom who strives to be organized and think I can be if I just make ONE MORE LIST. That perfect list that will clear as day remind me how to live a structured, even life. My kids will be on a nice, safe schedule that they can count on, I will have all the perfect meals planned,nutritious food on hand in the pantry..wholesome snacks and ingredients to simple yet flavorful meals...something keeps me from getting to an organized place.

Me.

Even though to an outsider I may look cool, calm and collected, on the inside I am on the verge of panic...not a schedule in sight.

The lists I endlessly create end up stashed up under the keyboard on the desk, on the floor of the backseat of my car or shoved crumpled in a drawer, never to be seen again until the day I decide to clean out that drawer, let alone actually used. Maybe the lists aren't for remembering things at all, but rather serve as a means to calm the chaos in my head.

It's a new year. 2010. I've been married almost 10 years. My dear husband and I are on this goal to get back somewhere near what we weighed when we first met. For me, that means I need to lose about 35-40 pounds..for him, I guess he needs to lose around 30..maaaybe 35.

I have to do this. I need to do this. I want to do this. I'm staring middle age in the face and it ain't lookin so hot. I'm not so fresh faced anymore. People tell me I look tired and I don't take it very well..even though actually I am really tired alot of the time. I have 2 daughters, 8 years old and 11 months and work a part time job that gets me up before..well, before pretty much everyone.

I'm on a mission. I need to find myself again in this puffed up version of my old self. Where did I go? I know there's more to me. I love being their Mom. It's my favorite part of life. I tell my eldest child all the time that "I am a person. I used to be 8 just like you. I had a Mom and a Dad and a sister too. I was in 3rd grade once. I am a person." She stares at me for a second but then rolls her eyes and says "I know Mom".

But do I?